So You Want to Crochet a Thing? Cool. Consult Your Crystal Ball First.
So you want to make a blanket. Or a sweater. Or a scarf. Or a “quick” hacky sack?
Great. Love that for you. Truly.
Before you do anything reckless - like getting emotionally attached to a pattern you saw online - let’s talk about yarn planning. Because crochet does not reward optimism. Crochet rewards spreadsheets, pessimism, and the ability to stare into the void and divine the future.
Step One: Choose Your Colors (Incorrectly)
You scroll. You swoon. You fall deeply in love with a photo of a blanket shot in perfect lighting with artisanal coffee nearby. The colors are perfect. Canary yellow, but not that canary yellow. A specific canary yellow. The kind that whispers “sunshine” and not “caution tape.”
You think, I’ll just grab a few skeins and see how it goes.
No.
That is how the yarn gods know you are weak.
Step Two: Guess the Yarn Amount (Wrong Again)
“How much yarn could it really take?” you ask, foolishly, as if crochet hasn’t been warning you for decades.
Are you doing:
A straight, boring row-by-row situation?
Colorwork?
Granny squares?
Hexagons? Triangles? Some freeform nonsense you found at 2 a.m.?
Do you know how much yarn one square takes?
Do you know how much yarn one triangle takes?
Do you know how much yarn your tension, your hook choice, and your mood will consume?
No. You do not. And neither does the pattern designer, if we’re being honest.
Step Three: Crochet Law Activates
There is a universal, unbreakable law of crochet:
At exactly ¾ of the way through your project, you will realize you do not have enough yarn.
Not halfway.
Not near the end.
Three. Quarters.
Enough progress that you are emotionally invested. Enough progress that frogging would feel like a personal failure. Enough progress that you cannot “just make it smaller” without rage.
And by now - surprise! Five months have passed.
Step Four: The Dye Lot Betrayal
You march back to the yarn store (physical or digital), confident you’ll just grab one more skein.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
The dye lot is gone.
The color name still exists, sure - but do not be fooled. That is not the same yellow.
How many shades of canary yellow can one manufacturer make?
Apparently infinite.
There is:
Canary Yellow
Canary Yellow (Cool)
Canary Yellow (Warm)
Canary Yellow But Sad
Canary Yellow But Aggressive
Canary Yellow That Looks the Same Until In Sunlight
And you will notice. Every time. Forever.
Step Five: Bargaining
You try to convince yourself:
“It’s just one row, no one will notice.”
“The lighting in my house is weird anyway.”
“This is called handmade charm.”
You are lying to yourself, and you know it.
Step Six: Acceptance (or Creative Cover-Up)
At this point, you have choices:
Rip back weeks of work and start over (brave, unhinged).
Add a border so wide it becomes a design feature.
Introduce a ‘contrast color’ and pretend it was intentional.
Live with it, glaring at the offending shade every time you pass the project for the rest of your natural life.
All of these are valid. None of them are free.
The Moral of the Story
Before you start:
Plan your colors.
Calculate your yardage.
Throw the first 2 bullets aside and buy WAY more yarn than you think you need.
Assume the dye lot will vanish into legend the moment you start crocheting.
Because crochet isn’t just a craft - it’s a long-term relationship with math, chaos, and the creeping realization that you should have bought one more skein.
Ask me how I know. 🧶😑