The Many Types of Crochet (and What They Say About You)
Crochet is not one hobby. Crochet is a sprawling personality test disguised as yarn. The stitch you gravitate toward says things about you. Deep things. Possibly concerning things. Let’s discuss.
Amigurumi
You have excellent eyesight and refuse to acknowledge that it is declining with age. You are not afraid of projects that are small, fuzzy, complex, or actively fighting back. Counting is second nature to you - real counting, not vibes-based counting like the rest of us. You do not get dizzy. You do not get intimidated. You will crochet a mouth the size of a grain of rice and then redo it three times because it’s “slightly off.”
You are powerful. Also slightly unhinged.
Colorwork
You are a natural designer. You can see color relationships in your mind like a wizard consulting an ancient spellbook. Brown and purple look good together when you are nearby. People say things like, “I never would have thought of that,” and you nod knowingly while pretending it wasn’t obvious.
Your brain runs Pantone.
Variegated Colorwork
You have learned the forbidden arts. You bend yarn to your will. Pooling does not happen to you - it happens because you allow it. Frogging is not the enemy; it is your greatest ally. You will rip back twenty rows without flinching, whispering, “Again,” like a yarn goblin.
Chaos bows to you eventually.
Granny Anything
You have (or are seeking) deep comfort and a calm mind. You crochet for the soul. You are naturally meditative, forgiving in nature, and unfazed by imperfections. A missed stitch is not a mistake - it is character. Your projects feel like emotional support blankets, even when they’re bags or sweaters.
Your aura is serenity now.
Garment Makers
Math does not scare you. Measurement does not scare you. Gauge does not scare you. “Measure twice, crochet once?” Be gone, heretic.
You possess an alarming level of trust in your own judgment when it comes to size. You eyeball bust darts and whisper, “This feels right.” Gauge is your bitch, and if it isn’t, you will make it one through sheer stubbornness.
You live dangerously and wear it proudly.
C2C (Corner to Corner)
The Minecrafters of crochet. You see the world in pixels. Grids. Charts. Squares forever marching forward. Frogging is your greatest enemy - once it starts, it never ends. But weaving in ends? That has no power over you. You will emerge from a 200-end project emotionally unchanged.
You are immune to suffering in specific, impressive ways.
Mosaic Crochet
Infinite patience. The da Vinci of crocheters. You paint with your hook. You read charts the way others read novels. Do not get into a staring contest with this group - they learned not to blink in the womb. Blink = missed stitch.
You are calm, focused, and terrifyingly precise.
Brioche Crochet
When mosaic crocheters turned to the dark side.
Why do intricate work in a straight line when you can zig, zag, and slip stitch your way into madness? Your memory is strong because it has to be. You cannot afford to forget anything. One moment of inattention and the whole structure collapses like a cursed Jenga tower.
You walk the knife’s edge and enjoy it.
Cable Workers
Excellent navigators. You see the forest and the trees and somehow keep track of which one crosses in front every six rows. You are comfortable on long-haul journeys - emotionally, mentally, and crochet-wise. A cable blanket does not intimidate you; it invites you.
The bigger the blanket, the more you should fear them. Not because they’re reckless, but because they know exactly where they’re going and how long it will take. They will casually say things like, “It’s just a 12-row repeat,” and then disappear for six months, emerging with a masterpiece and zero complaints.
You do not rush. You do not panic. You commit.
In Conclusion
No matter what kind of crocheter you are, you are valid, skilled, and just a little bit feral. Crochet doesn’t just make fabric - it reveals character. And possibly diagnoses.
Now excuse me while I frog something I absolutely knew better than to start…