You Think You Can Count?
Oh, you sweet summer child. You think crochet adheres to the law of counting?
What are you, 50 or something?
Let me disabuse you of this adorable notion right now: no crocheter knows how to count. Not by on3e. Not to ten. Not by twos. Not by fours. Not by fives. We don’t count stitches - we ultimately TRY but then vibe-check them and hope the yarn gods are merciful.
Like Gandalf said to the Balrog: YOU. CANNOT. COUNT.
Why is this? Why should a stable, repetitive, physical action - hook in, yarn over, pull through - end in three different outcomes every single row?
Because stitches are like Time: wibbly wobbly (YES Doctor Who reference…FOR THE NERDS.)
Because someone spoke to you.
Because a cat sneezed in the next room.
Because you glanced at the TV for half a millisecond.
Because the universe woke up today and chose violence.
Sometimes the physical world just makes its own rules (honestly - I feel like this most hours regardless…) Sometimes the yarn stretches. Sometimes it shrinks. Sometimes your tension changes because Mercury is in retrograde or because - frankly - f@$k you, that’s why.
You swear you counted.
You remember counting.
You even whispered the numbers under your breath like a protective spell. And YELLED the last one with the vengeance of a banshie when someone dared speak in your direction….
One.
Two.
THREE!!!!
Which, upon inner reflection (something GenX knows knowing about, but admires), you should be given an award for not doing murder, but the world isn’t fair….
Now you’re staring at your work like it personally betrayed you. There’s an extra stitch. Or a missing one. Or both. The math doesn’t math. If you let it ride - the edges may end up looking like a topographical map of a bad decisions. You recount. Same result. You recount again. Different result. Congratulations! You’ve entered the Crochet Counting Paradox™, where observation alone alters reality.
This is why stitch markers exist. Not because they help, but because they give you something to blame. This is why patterns say “should have X stitches” instead of “will,” because even designers know better than to promise anything. This is why experienced crocheters don’t count anymore - we eyeball and whisper, “Eh… close enough,” like FERAL artisans.
Crochet isn’t math. It’s jazz.
It’s vibes.
It’s chaos wrapped in acrylic, or cotton, or wool, or the veins of the dearly departed (you know….the one who interrupted your counting…)
So no…you don’t need to learn how to count. You need to learn how to accept. Accept that 1, 2, 3 will betray you. Accept that recounting won’t save you. Accept that at some point you’ll say, “I’m not frogging all that,” and simply crochet through the lie.
And honestly? That’s the real skill.
Disclaimer: These thoughts, ideas, and snarky tones are mine. AI used for quicker formatting and proofreading ONLY.